I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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