just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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