Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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