if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
