I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
