Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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