I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
