I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i love accidental penises.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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