WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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