Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
