she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
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Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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