Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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