yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
