Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my shit smells like andre
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
