had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
