U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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