did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
