I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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