If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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