that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
