Your dad touched me again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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