There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
