Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
