I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
