Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
