you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
