1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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