Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
