aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.