I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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