I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
