you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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