my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
