Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
