I heard we made out
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
