You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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