Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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