I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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