Sorry, I don't speak sober.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
