I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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