so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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