Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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