just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
