Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You may now shotgun with the bride
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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