Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
