Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
