Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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