I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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