Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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