so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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