My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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