I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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