My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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