So drunk its hurt
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
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Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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