If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
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i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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