the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
