Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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